The Power of Motivational Interviewing: How to Talk So Your Loved One Will Listen
- Cindy Feinberg, CPC, CA
- Jan 21
- 5 min read
When a loved one is in the middle of a crisis involving addiction or mental health, communication often breaks down completely. You might feel like you are speaking a different language from your family member. Every time you try to bring up treatment or change, they get defensive, you get angry, and nothing gets resolved.
At The Recovery Coach NY, Cindy Feinberg uses Motivational Interviewing (MI) as a core part of her arsenal. This isn’t just a "way of talking"; it is a supportive way of communicating that helps people move through their own ambivalence and find the internal motivation to change. Instead of an argument, it becomes a bridge to recovery.
Key Takeaways
Lower the Heat: MI is designed to reduce defensiveness and stop the "argument trap."
Find the "Why": This approach helps your loved one discover their own internal reasons for wanting to get better.
Empowerment over Force: It encourages self-confidence, allowing individuals to feel heard and empowered to change their lives.
Collaboration is Key: Real change happens when every voice, including the person in crisis, is part of the plan.
Expert Guidance: Cindy Feinberg provides steady direction using these tools for families nationwide.
What is Motivational Interviewing (MI)?
Motivational Interviewing is an evidence-based communication style that helps people resolve "ambivalence"—that feeling of being stuck between wanting to change and wanting to stay the same.
Most families naturally try to "fix" the problem by giving advice, lecturing, or warning about dangers. In the world of professional coaching, we refer to this as the "Righting Reflex." This is the natural urge to fix what seems wrong and promptly set someone on a better course. Unfortunately, when you push, most people instinctively push back.
Cindy Feinberg incorporates this into her individualized approach because it respects the individual's autonomy. It recognizes that for change to last, the person struggling has to be the one to decide it’s time.
The Spirit of MI: Setting the PACE
When Cindy provides respectful guidance to families, she follows a specific philosophy known as PACE to ensure the conversation remains productive:
P: Partnership: MI is a collaboration between experts. You are the expert on your family, and your loved one is the expert on their own life.
A: Acceptance: We express an attitude of unconditional positive regard, supporting the person's absolute worth and autonomy.
C: Compassion: We conduct the conversation in the service of others, deliberately promoting their welfare.
E: Evocation: Motivation for change is not "installed" into someone; it already exists within them and must be evoked.
Why "Reframing" Changes the Conversation
One of the most powerful tools in Cindy's crisis management strategy is Reframing. Reframing means taking what a person says and offering a different perspective: one that highlights their strengths or their desire for a better life.
The Reframing Dialogue: Examples
Here is how a typical "argument" can be reframed into a "motivational conversation" using the tools Cindy teaches:
The Defensive Statement:
"You guys are always on my back! I have a stressful job, and I deserve to relax. You're just trying to control me."
The Old Response (The Argument Trap):
"We wouldn't be 'on your back' if you didn't pass out every night! You're going to lose that job if you don't stop."
Result: The loved one stops listening, and the fight escalates.
The Reframed Response (Motivational Interviewing):
"It sounds like you take your career very seriously and work incredibly hard to provide for this family. You value your downtime because you want to be at your best for your job, and right now, you’re feeling frustrated because it feels like your independence is being threatened."
Result: The loved one feels heard and understood. They are now more likely to talk about the stress that leads to the behavior.
Using "OARS" to Build a Bridge
To improve communication at home, Cindy often teaches the OARS acronym to families:
O: Open Questions: Ask questions that elicit complex answers beyond “yes” or “no.” Instead of "Are you going to stop?" ask "What would have to happen for you to make a change?"
A: Affirmations: Show appreciation for the other person’s experiences and strengths. For example: "It took a lot of work to share that with me."
R: Reflections: Offer their content back to them in a non-threatening way to help them organize their thoughts.
S: Summaries: Combine the important aspects of what they've said to show you are listening and to reinforce "change talk."
Identifying "Change Talk": The Motivational Gold
Cindy helps families listen for Change Talk: any language your loved one uses that indicates a thought of change. In the coaching world, we call this motivational gold. You want to listen for:
Desire: "I want to feel like my old self again."
Ability: "I think I could try one meeting."
Need: "I’ve got to figure this out for my kids."
Commitment: "I am going to call that counselor today."
Why MI Works Better than Confrontation
Traditional "surprise" interventions often rely on high-pressure confrontation. While this can sometimes get someone into a car, it doesn't always get their heart and mind into recovery.
MI works because it:
Reduces Defensiveness: When a loved one feels judged, they shut down. MI creates a safe space where they don't have to defend their behavior.
Shifts the Worldview: It moves from a "deficit worldview" (thinking the person lacks the skills) to a "competence worldview" (believing they have the resources within themselves to change).
Builds Long-Term Stability: Because the individual finds their reasons for change, the results last longer.
FAQs About Motivational Interviewing
Q: What is Motivational Interviewing in addiction recovery?
A: MI is a supportive communication style that helps people move through ambivalence and find their own motivation to change.
Q: How does Cindy Feinberg use MI with families?
A: Cindy uses MI to help families stop the "righting reflex" and instead use reflections and affirmations to encourage a collaborative environment.
Q: Can MI help with mental health concerns?
A: Yes. Cindy is equally skilled in using MI for mental health concerns and behavioral crises to help individuals feel respected and heard.
Q: Is Motivational Interviewing better than a traditional intervention?
A: While traditional interventions often focus on "directing," MI uses a "guiding" style, which is often more effective for those who are resistant to change.
Q: Does Cindy Feinberg offer MI coaching nationwide?
A: Yes. Cindy operates nationwide, providing individualized interventions and recovery coaching.
Q: How do you talk to someone in denial about addiction?
A: Avoid the "Expert Trap" or "Labeling Trap." Use Motivational Interviewing to "roll with resistance" and help the person explore their own goals and values.
Q: What does OARS stand for in MI?
A: OARS stands for Open-ended questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summaries..
Q: What is the "Righting Reflex"?
A: The Righting Reflex is the natural urge to fix someone else's problems, which often causes the person in crisis to become more defensive and resistant to change.
